


Tonight

by islamarseey



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Heartbreak, Love Letters, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 08:53:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17763689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islamarseey/pseuds/islamarseey
Summary: Years go by but Elio still feels the pain of missing Oliver.





	Tonight

It’s a night like this that I don’t understand. It has been reoccurring more often than I like lately. Sometimes I give in and I would lay on my bed, my head dizzy with nicotine buzz and I look up to the ceiling. I let it hit me, the vivid image of you sleeping beside me, the warmth I still could feel on my lips as if you tattooed the sensation on me as a souvenir I could cherish forever. 

 

These nostalgic feeling of being loved and being left behind. You’d think after all these years I would get used to the feeling of my heart breaks over and over again. You’d think that these memories would impact me less over time but it never does. It only dulls the pain of other failed loves that pass by in your absence. And it’s okay, I have accepted that. 

 

Where are you tonight, Oliver?

 

Sometimes I feel the only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that you’re still somewhere out there. My mind loves this guessing game. Maybe you are drinking away your nights, maybe you are sleeping next to her with your arm draped over her hips, maybe you’re comforting one of your kids who cries into your neck not knowing that there are bigger, scarier monster out there than the one he thinks sleep under his bed. But my personal favorite, the one I always try to push from my mind because I don’t want to consider it not to be true, is maybe you’re looking out to the window right now, just like I am. Your thoughts wonder where I am tonight. You drink the wine which would never taste the same as the ones you’ve had here years ago.

 

Everyone is asleep, as if giving you an ephemeral illusion that they don't exist and somewhat as you sit there, you feel a layer of you peeled away, revealing 1983 Oliver. My Oliver. Because only in this version of you, you’d let the longing or the regrets consumes you. Maybe you’d feel it suffocate you so much that you feel like you almost trip to that dangerous line of wanting to walk away from the life you have to come back to in the morning. 

 

I watch the cigarette burns away as I take a long drag. Maybe you’re smoking right now outside the house because you know she hates it. Every time she brings it up and scolds you for it, you’d think in your head that she never really knows you and she would never know me, a part of you that you try to bury. Is that the only thing that I can claim as my victory?

 

I’m too exhausted to fight this right now. I hope you wallow in the pain of knowing not for a fact but only intuitively without a single evident that you could take to validate the truth which is that we had the star you and I. I hope you listen to this silence, my nonexistent presence in your life as the loudest scream of my yearning for you. 

 

Oliver, my love. Wherever you are, no matter what you are doing tonight, know that more years will go by and I might not be or look like the same Elio who biked around the town of Crema with you. Time will take us away from each other but all those times that we had would never cease to live until it would be the only thing you can remember and until it dies with you. Just like it would with me. 

 


End file.
